Healing What Can't Be Cured

Recently a man who had suffered a profound loss said to me, “For so long I’ve been angry- angry with myself, and angry with God for allowing this to happen. But then I look at all the kindness that has been shown to my family and myself and I realize that God is working through them. When I thought God had left me alone I suddenly realized he was surrounding me with love and I was just too hurt to see it. I can’t understand how God can allow such pain, but at the same time offering me kindness. It’s changing who I am.”

A dear friend and very kind man- a chaplain, who helps others through grief also recently had a major loss. He told me, “People keep asking me how I’m ‘getting through this’. But I tell them I am not ‘getting through’ this. It is getting through me. It is moving through me and transforming me. I can never be the person I was before this loss. It hurts me every day, but every day I know I am gaining a deeper understanding of who I am and of my relationship with God.”

Nothing can every take away what these two men have lost, but through the process of their grieving they are finding healing.

In the course of my practice, I have worked with peple who have had chronic pain and chronic conditions, children with special needs, people with mental illness and chemical dependency, neurological disorders, cancer, and for the last decade I have worked primarily with people at the end of life through hospice & palliative care. I also provide grief and bereavement support to those who have lost a loved one. This work has given me many perspectives on healing. I have seen people go through great pain and suffering. I’ve seen people struggle with the pain of fibromyalgia, children struggle to overcome disabilities, the debilitation of Parkinson’s Disease, the pain and fear of cancer, the pain of losing a parent or a child. I’ve seen many struggles. I have heard many questions over and over,

“Why me?”

“What did I do to deserve this?”

“What is going to happen to me?”

“Why is God letting me suffer?”

“Why isn’t there a cure, even when I pray for one?”

Then there is the question that underlies the others: “Where is God?”

There are no easy answers to these questions. These are questions I asked and struggled with myself in recovering from strokes and learning to adapt to the changes they brought. Until we can move beyond these questions, healing can be very difficult. The first part of healing is acceptance.

In the movie, Evan Almighty, God comes to the wife of a modern day Noah in a time of her despair. He says to her that God answers prayers as opportunities. “If we pray to be happy, do you think God fills us with happy feelings, or does he offer opportunities for happiness?  If we pray for courage, does God magically fill us with courage, or does he offer opportunities to be courageous?” By the same token, maybe in a different way, suffering presents us with another kind of opportunity.

The Buddah tells us that “All life is suffering”, and that through compassion, and working to alleviate the suffering of others, we alleviate our own suffering and are offered opportunities for happiness. When we realize and are mindful of the suffering of those around us we also tend to stop judging others and instead find compassion.

When his disciples ask Jesus, “Who has sinned, this man or his family, that he is blind?”, he replies, “this man is blind so that the work of God might be seen in his life”. Both the Buddah, and Jesus challenge us to see pain and suffering as an opportunity.

I have been asked many times how I can work with the dying and still believe in God? My answer is always- HOW CAN I DO THIS WORK AND NOT BELIEVE?!

I am so blessed to do this work. I see God working in our lives EVERY DAY.

I see God in the soothing whispers of a loved one, in the caring hands of Home Health Aides and Massage Therapists, in the skill and dedication of physicians and nurses who have dedicated their lives to alleviating physical pain and suffering, in the compassion and wisdom of social workers, in the comforting presence and kind eyes of a chaplain, in the laughter of children and in the tireless efforts of volunteers and community members to support families through one of the hardest times in their lives.

I have felt the love of God wrap it’s arms around a client and their families as death nears. I have felt the peace of God in that space where before there was only anxiety and despair. I’ve seen angels from this world and I’m pretty sure I’ve felt the one’s from the next draw near.

I have learned to have a new understanding of the way God works. Sometimes I have been angry at God and had my doubts, but that doubt doesn’t remove God’s presence, and that anger is something, as a chaplain friend of mine says, God can handle. It has caused me to redefine my understanding of things like HOPE, FAITH, HEALING. I have seen it redefine these things for my clients as well.

In order to do my work, I have to accept that death will be the outcome. I can’t change that. I have to accept that and then focus on what I can do to change the experience.

Acceptance.

Can we accept that for now there is no cure for diseases and conditions like diabetes, chronic fatigue syndrome, mental illness, Alzheimer’s disease, for the disease that is terminal? Can we accept that there is no way to completely undo the damage from a stroke, heart attack, or an accident?

Does accepting that there is no cure mean it is the end of healing?

The end of Hope?

The end of Faith?

The end of Joy?

No.

It is a time when greatest healing can occur!

I see great healing every day: Healing of broken relationships and families; healing of the grief of loss; healing the feelings of the fear, isolation and depression; easing of pain; healing and love cutting through the confusion of dementia, and the healing and reconciliation of a person’s relationship with the creator, no matter what name or tradition they use.

I have seen the profound power of faith. I have been so moved by the faith I have witnessed in those I have served: faith in a loving God and faith and assurance they are going to a better place. In hospice we don’t focus on death, but in living the last days with the best possible quality of life. There are tears, but there is far more humor, and laughter and joy.

I have felt an infant stop breathing and nearly pass away in my arms. I have seen young children struggle with the confusing and painful emotions of watching a parent die. I have seen people endure the worst pain one could imagine. I have seen parents agonize over the loss of a child. I have seen the pain in the eyes of family members when they realize their mom or grandma no longer recognizes who they are.

While I have witnessed many hard things, I have witnessed the power of healing. Although I have seen bad things, I do not question that God loves all of us, regardless of all of the things that we create to separate us from each other.

As a child, my Methodist Minister father always told me that there were two things that are most important to know:

1.      God Loves us all- no matter what may happen or what we do

2.      All of us are children of God

God does not forsake us. There are those among us every day seeking healing who may be struggling with this. You are not alone. You are also not alone if you feel that way. On the Cross, Jesus asked, “Father, why have you forsaken me?” This is the ultimate human question when faced with suffering and even Jesus asked it.

I cannot understand why God created a world that allows suffering. I only know that this is the world we are given. It took me time to see that my father was right, that God loves us all, but sometimes I can be very frustrated. Sometimes I have felt, as Patch Adams said, that God could work on some compassion. But God does give us opportunities to be compassionate. It is when we find that compassion for others that we find the divine- in ourselves and in that other person. Some say it is in giving us free will, that God allowed for the possibility of suffering. It is in the way we use that free will that allows us to make choices. We can chose to hurt, or we can chose to heal; we can chose to create or chose to destroy; we can chose to stand by and do nothing while others suffer or we can chose to act.

Many indigenous spiritual traditions teach us that life is a series of cycles- that in every death there is a rebirth. The Christian faith traditions offer great hope through the death and resurrection of Jesus. When we look to the rhythms of the worlds around us and even the larger universe we see cycles of death and renewal everywhere. We can learn from these things in our everyday life. It means that there is always a new day- always an opportunity for transformation. Each new day is a chance for a resurrection- a chance for a new birth. In all of the little “deaths” life brings- the changes, the losses, the sad times- there is a chance for transformation- a chance to grow, there is a chance to be made whole again as God meant us to be.

In all struggle and suffering there can be opportunities for healing- if we listen carefully and are open to all of the possibilities. It also offers opportunities for all those in the community to act as healers- to be the hearts and hands of God. Everyone has the capacity to be a healer- not just health professionals, but mothers and fathers; neighbors and friends; spouses and partners. If you pay attention you will find many opportunities. Sometimes being a healer is a way to find healing yourself- it sure has been for me. Most people who are hospice volunteers are those who have lost a loved one themselves.

We don’t have a complete understanding of why the creation of God allows for suffering. We never will. But God allows infinite possibilities for healing, for returning us to wholeness. While prayer may not always bring the cure we seek, it can bring the great healing we need.

Black Elk’s Prayer

Grandfather, Great Spirit, once more behold me on earth and lean to hear my feeble voice. You lived first, and you are older than all need, older than all prayer.

All things belong to you -- the two-legged, the four-legged, the wings of the air, and all green things that live.

You have set the powers of the four quarters of the earth to cross each other. You have made me cross the good road and road of difficulties, and where they cross, the place is holy. Day in, day out, forevermore, you are the life of things.